The Confidential Letters

Dear Cheating in Chicago:
Go ahead. You'll probably get caught and lose your wife,kids,car,and home. Other than that,it sounds like fun.

Dear Angry in Buffalo:
I had to disinfect my hands after opening your letter. Don't EVER write me again!

Dear Stinky in Sabula:
If you're too fat to get in a tub,go to a car wash. Better yet,ask a friend to hose you down in the driveway!

Dear Confused in Clarksburg:
You have the I.Q. of a snail. Are you happy now,sluggo?

Dear Depressed in San Diego:
You ought to be depressed. In fact,you ought to be shot!

Dear Smartie in Big Bend:
Being called stupid by you is like being called fat by a hippo!

The Letters

Dear Dotti: Nobody believes a space alien made me pregnant even though I haven't had a period for 4 months,and am getting bigger by the day. And he's disappeared. What should I do?
--Frustrated in Kansas City
Dear Frustrated: Next time you see a flying saucer,pinhead,keep your stupid pants on!

Dear Dotti: A few weeks ago I was sitting in my yard watching the stars when this huge UFO landed about 75 yards from my house. I tried to run,but I couldn't move. Then, this space alien walks out of the UFO,and over to me. The next thing I knew,we were making love. He made all sorts of promises. He said he would take me back with him,and shower me with riches. Afterward,we fell asleep. When I woke up,I felt like I'd been hit over the head with a frying pan. Then,I realized that he'd robbed me blind while I was asleep! I can't report this to the cops,Dotti! What should I do?
--Peggy in China Grove

Dear Peggy: I hate to tell you this,stooge,but space aliens don't exist. And even if they did,they sure as heck wouldn't be landing UFOs in a Rubetown like China Grove looking for a fantasy crazed slut like you!

Dear Dotti: You're a jerk. People ask you for advice,and you don't give them any. You call them stupid. Why don't you give them straight answers instead of telling them they are stupid!
--Angry in Chicago

Dear Angry: I get alot of dumb letters,but yours is one of the dumbest. I tell people they're stupid when they ARE stupid. It's as simple as that.

Dear Dotti: I am a 13 year old girl and I think you are the most beautiful person in the world. I have 2 questions for you: 1. What can I do to grow up and get a job like yours?
--Teen Fan in Iowa City

Dear Teen: First you say you have 2 questions,and then you only ask one. If you don't have the time to proofread your own letter,why should I waste my time giving advice that you're obviously too lazy to use?